You really coming over, don't trick.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
