Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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