my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
