My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
