Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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