thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
