Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
3 2 1 whiskey
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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