I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
