i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
