You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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