I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
