The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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