We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You're like the curious george of whores
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
