the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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