Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
