If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
