So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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