never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
