she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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