He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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