i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
