Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.