I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
