Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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