maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
