She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We have started to decorate penises.
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I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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