I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
