I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
