i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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