So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
