i love accidental penises.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
did i just pee glitter
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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