finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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