i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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