I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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