are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
