Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
