in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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