ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.