girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?