I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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