he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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