We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
