3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just puked most of my soul out..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
