At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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