Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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