You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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