so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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