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We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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