Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
