If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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