Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
