Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
