Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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