he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
