She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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