It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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