had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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